DARLING

I held real dead bodies in my arms
Felt their body turn cold, oh
Why we born in the first place
If this is how we gotta go?
Damn.

These are lyrics from 'sabali',a song from 'distance relative'- my favorite Hip Hop album of all time.
And they are lyrics I have heard about a thousand times before, the number of times i have listened
to that album. It takes a situation to really comprehend some words and for the first time ever, i
finally understood the last but one line in that lyrics.

Last night was great. I boozed, I smoked, I danced till the DJ gave me a shout out on the dance floor,
I was drunk but i can assume 'guy in the black V-neck' was me. When i was young, I watched movies
where people drowned their sorrows in alcohol and I thought that was unrealistic and stupid. Well last night was unrealistic and stupid.

She is the most beautiful 5yr old in the world, the object of my distress. She has a smile that can light up the world. She has a laugh that can put angels to shame and the strength in her spirit is unbeatable; many days when i was going through rotten adult stuff, just a tug on my shirt and a look down at her toothless smile
always got a chuckle out of me. I would yell 'sit down quietly' over a thousand times in exhaustion on baby sitting favors because of all the 5yr-olds i knew, she had some energy on her. An energy that began to fade.

I am 21, I lie, I cheat, I steal, I do wrong but here I am, healthy and full of dreams and aspirations. There she is- below a decade old and the worse she ever did was pinch her younger brother and lie about why he was crying.Worse aspect is she doesn't even understand why her body is changing, why she is growing weaker by the day and why she has to be taking shots and pills while her friends play outside and shriek. When perhaps shes even smarter than them, prettier, more full of life. These may be doubts to some but a certainty for me.

This is not to question God and His ways. This is not to express anger over why such a young and delicate spirit should suffer because of some foolish mistakes of those that came before her. This is about allowing myself to let loose, to find a medium to unleash this great sadness that has overtaken the core of my soul.

I am writing down my emotions because after all is said and done about last night, it was a futile adventure. Because i woke up with a heavy head, an aching body and the worse of all; the painful memory that my favorite 5yr old in the entire world would go through pain before she finds peace. It makes my sadness for missing breakfast because i was broke and my constant anger because i let the most important person in my life go seem shallow and selfish. 

This about the young life of the little girl I love more than life itself. And to clear any doubt, I have cried so much, my tear duct is empty.

......
K.D