START OVER

It seems to me that I have started my life over again so many times that there is no need any more to be sentimental. I have for some reason found comfort in solitude and I have become an addict. Some people can’t get enough of inhaling dried up herbs, others would stab for a slab of white lines but for some reason, I have found dependence in shoving melodic strings in my ears when I make public appearances and burying my face in paperback when I am alone. I have pushed away people that I spoke to nearly every day and I have picked deliberate fights with people so I can justify myself when I finally slash a razor through that thin line that balanced what we once used to call friendship. Jeffery says it’s my body telling me what it wants. I beg to differ.  Alone, feeling the emptiness around me, I sometimes feel that my life is a separate distinct enterprise connected to others by a slender thread which I have measured by myself. And I think that’s where my addiction lies; the liberating and empowering feeling I get from knowing I can control who stays in my life and who is shown the door. But like every craving, it’s in need of regular supply and herein lays the problem. I have learned in the past weeks that human beings are not a fully stocked wardrobe, that you can’t change them whenever you are bored with your current collection, whenever you feel like they are getting old and used. Because like a wardrobe, you are going to run out, either of the finances to change it or of the ideas to modify.

That been said, I’m in a really good place and I have felt like I have been given another chance. It’s been a long and painful road coming into realizing that but the miraculous avenue I have passed getting here has been nothing short of wonder and had it not been for the fact that it is a private affair between me and God, I would have ranted on and on about it. Privacy; another word I have had a chance of deeply understanding while in my moment of solitude. A word that I have no plans of taking for granted anytime soon.

I have rediscovered myself. The part of me I lost during my weak moment of social conformity and that makes me smile typing this. The guy that got lost in his own religion. This is my church; this is where I get to celebrate what’s holy. Books are my cathedral and words and ideas, those are my scriptures. I’m rediscovering Thomas Palmer, Jeffery Archer, John Grisham, Mario Puzo and I love what I’m discerning. Worlds beyond what I understand and the life I live. Worlds that I can’t wait to experience. Most people spend their whole life waiting for something that’s gonna change everything. They say the grass is not always greener on the other side so let’s wait, let’s work hard, lets not chase waterfalls, let’s stick to what we used to. Well people are full of shit, a fact I have learned these past weeks. The city awaits me there and it’s only some more months to come.

I’m smiling again because the city awaits me? That’s a line from a song I’ve come to accept as the theme music for my life. ‘Fear’ a song by a band that I can’t get enough of; In-flight safety. For some reason I have connected with these Canadian guys so intensely and immensely that I have literally felt them extend a hand down through the dark pit my addiction has thrown me into and pulled me out. All through vocals that sooth me so gently and so warmly, I’m convinced it was recorded in a placenta. I have listened to surround, out of sight, lucky boy from this same band and I can’t even begin to describe the spiritual transformation I begin to collapse into when honey tasting pond streams through my wire.

I have been taught a few things and I have been humbled in the process. I have been thinking this is just a stage like most of the others. That after all I was going to go back and I can’t do that. Not because my pride won’t let me go back into rebuilding friendships of Atlantis. No. But because I have had a taste of a controlled life. A life without fear or apologies. A life where I knew what I wanted and who I wanted. A life where I knew how I wanted to spend my day and where I wanted to spend it. A life without regard for external opinions or external emotions and it feels darn good. I can’t change the past and the possible hurt I might have caused some people, I won’t even bother trying. Not because I’m insensitive but because if there’s anything at all I’ve learned recently, it’s that everything happens for a reason. I won’t apologize for having a predilection for good breathing, positive energy and reasonable intelligence. After all I deserve it, we all do and I understand that I am negative energy to some people. Well I’m sorry but do what I’ll do in your place, cut me off and don’t apologize for it. I know I won’t.